Chris At The Pictures

Emma Watson and Dan Stevens lead an all-star cast in this live-action remake of Disney’s 1991 animated classic. A smart and impetuous young woman named Belle (Watson) takes her father’s place in the abandoned castle of a hideous beast (Stevens), once a handsome prince punished for his selfishness. Trapped within the confines of the crumbling ruin, Belle befriends the transfigured house staff, slowly coming to discover there’s more to her monstrous captor than meets the eye. Meanwhile the caddish, swashbuckling Gaston (Luke Evans, firing magnificently on all cylinders), along with his infatuated sidekick, LeFou (Josh Gad), schemes to kill the beast and make Belle his wife.

Watson is a stunning Belle. That’s about all I can muster, really. I'd like to think my critical faculties extend beyond inserting several heart-eye emojis, but when Watson first appears it’s as if everything else (crisp faux-period detail, glittering landscapes, even Kevin Kline as Belle’s tender father) leap away at warp factor 9. Watson’s well-read inventor is a tad more outspoken and empowered than previous iterations of the story, and no less in control of the frame, the music, or the romance (and, to the huge relief of Potter fans, her eyebrows).

The photorealistic renderings of our favourite characters are intricately designed, but come off more than a little creepy (Madame Garderobe and her void-like maw, especially…yikes!), even when given such joyous sparkle by Hollywood’s finest: Ewan McGregor as Lumière, the talking candlestick, Ian McKellen as the finest incarnation of Cogsworth, the grumpy clock, and Emma Thompson, who gives reassuring life to Mrs. Potts, the cockney teapot.

It seems odd that such an otherwise tangible and lavishly designed yarn should have frayed digital edges: the Beast in particular feels very much an artificial insertion. Dan Stevens has an astonishing set of pipes on him, but the grumbling voice distortion and lack of physical heft somewhat squash his natural broiling charm. Still, he delivers the same heavy-pawed comedy-catharsis combo we expect; certainly enough to forgive any less-than special effects.

CGI is also used so extensively during the many musical numbers (‘Be Our Guest’ is the biggest offence) to compensate for the colour and flair of the original you wonder why they didn’t remake it into a 3D animation, rather than live action. Likewise, the grand ballroom sequence is a little flat-footed. Lacking the fluid, ground-breaking elements of its animated counterpart and opting instead for a whirling digital lightshow, director Bill Condon’s desire to enthral youngsters of a new generation could mean anti-climax for long-time fans.

Maybe this is a sign that the ‘tale as old as time’ has finally been drained of all invention? Perhaps, but those simply after a good time at the movies won’t be deterred by such a sweet, funny and soulful retelling. The songs, story and characters are pretty much invincible at this point, and to see them all brought to life again by some of cinema’s brightest stars is undeniable fun. Like the recent revivals of Cinderella and The Jungle Book, it shines with the high-tech glimmer of modern filmmaking and attempts to develop some new material: nothing much is lost, but there’s really nothing there that wasn’t there before. 

Pixels (based on a short internet film of the same name) depicts the fallout when footage of video games sent into space are misinterpreted by an alien race as a battle challenge. The aliens attack in the form of classic video game characters (realised rather brilliantly by state-of-the-art special effects), and arcade champions Brenner (Adam Sandler), Ludlow (Josh Gad) and Eddie ‘Fireblaster’ (Peter Dinklage) are recruited by Colonel Violet (Michelle Monaghan) to halt the invasion.

Now that’s not too bad of a premise, or at least it would be if the rules of the games were ever properly explained, made any sense, and weren’t just a vehicle to say ‘Ugly, overweight nerds deserve fame and sex because “they’ll appreciate it more”’.

Let’s begin with the honking great elephant in the room: Adam Sandler. Of course, the second he was announced as the lead, we’ve been bombarded with all sorts of articles and think-pieces about how the pride of Manchester, New Hampshire is heralding the end-of-days for cinema. Obviously he is, but in Pixels it’s the character of Sam Brenner, rather than Sandler himself, that is the slimiest element. Within thirty minutes, Brenner has already stolen a jar of money from a child, leered at Monaghan’s backside in plain view of her son, called her a snob for not kissing him and berated a group of soldiers for being ‘a bunch of girls’. Our saviour, everyone!

The remainder of the cast aren’t much to shout about either: Monaghan is drafted in to serve as the lone woman with a voice outside of serving puerile humour, Josh Gad reverts to shrieking when the piecemeal script runs dry (which is a lot), Kevin James is presumably tired from his Paul Blart shenanigans so gives zero effort, and Peter Dinklage is totally, utterly inexcusable. As much as it bothers me how much 80’s nostalgists control our various sources of TV and film, seeing them represented by such a torpid bunch almost makes me feel embarrassed on their behalf. It’s not even real nostalgia: there’s no depth of reflection here, just a group of talentless frauds showing you Pac-man and saying ‘Hey, remember that?!’

Aside from all the anguish the film has already caused to real-life fans of retro arcade games, there’s also additional insult here for people of colour (the only characters in the film captured by the aliens hail from minority backgrounds, and Serena Williams is gifted the horrid celebrity cameo as she is pimped out to Dinklage’s character), for women (the second most active woman on-screen is presented to Ludlow as a literal trophy who cannot speak) and basically for anyone with an ounce of taste. There was even pain reserved for yours truly, when Gad takes a breather from squealing his every line like a stuck pig to sing Tears For Fears’ classic hit ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’, thereby ruining my favourite song forever.

I wouldn’t usually resort to such vulgar language, but if Sandler and co. are allowed to sneak slimy ‘humour’ into a supposedly family-friendly film, frankly anything goes: big, sweaty summer blockbuster season blew it’s load early this year, and Pixels is nothing more than the mess left behind, wiped up lazily with cinema tickets then left to fester in screens nationwide.