'The Snowman' - Review

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Why does this film exist? Why did Michael Fassbender waste his talents on this sodden snowdrift of a script? Didn't they draft in the editor of Goodfellas to try and salvage it? Did they hand the Avid to a blind chimpanzee halfway through? Why is Val Kilmer, a real human being, less convincing than the CGI Peter Cushing in Rogue One? What’s with the giant clumsy iPad thingies the police are carrying around? What were those glowing pin badges? Do they exist in real life? Where can I get one? What’s the subplot concering Oslo’s bid for the Winter Olympics all about? Why does Charlotte Gainsbourg dry-humping Michael Fassbender have all the erotic frisson of two stacked chairs? Who was that random woman who got snapped topless by JK Simmons? Where did she go? Is she okay? Did the Snowman killer get her? Why do the snowmen left at crime scenes look so glum? Are they okay? Why is Hot Butter’s ‘Popcorn’ played twice and then never heard again? Why is Toby Jones in this? Is he okay? Surely the director of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is better than this? Am I actually supposed to take ‘Harry Hole’ seriously as a character name? Why is his hair several inches longer in one scene? Why does his apartment have dry rot? Is that a cheap bottom gag? Did they ever get rid of the mould? Why did Hole’s cleaner bring his puppy to such a grimy job? IS THE DOG OKAY?!