★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Pixels (based on a
short internet film of the same name) depicts the fallout when footage of video
games sent into space are misinterpreted by an alien race as a battle challenge.
The aliens attack in the form of classic video game characters (realised rather
brilliantly by state-of-the-art special effects), and arcade champions Brenner
(Adam Sandler), Ludlow (Josh Gad) and Eddie ‘Fireblaster’ (Peter Dinklage) are
recruited by Colonel Violet (Michelle Monaghan) to halt the invasion.
Now that’s not too bad of a premise, or at least it would be
if the rules of the games were ever properly explained, made any sense, and
weren’t just a vehicle to say ‘Ugly, overweight nerds deserve fame and sex
because “they’ll appreciate it more”’.
Let’s begin with the honking great elephant in the room:
Adam Sandler. Of course, the second he was announced as the lead, we’ve been
bombarded with all sorts of articles and think-pieces about how the pride of
Manchester, New Hampshire is heralding the end-of-days for cinema. Obviously he
is, but in Pixels it’s the character
of Sam Brenner, rather than Sandler himself, that is the slimiest element.
Within thirty minutes, Brenner has already stolen a jar of money from a child, leered
at Monaghan’s backside in plain view of her son, called her a snob for not
kissing him and berated a group of soldiers for being ‘a bunch of girls’. Our saviour,
everyone!
The remainder of the cast aren’t much to shout about either:
Monaghan is drafted in to serve as the lone woman with a voice outside of
serving puerile humour, Josh Gad reverts to shrieking when the piecemeal script
runs dry (which is a lot), Kevin James is presumably tired from his Paul Blart shenanigans so gives zero
effort, and Peter Dinklage is totally, utterly inexcusable. As much as it
bothers me how much 80’s nostalgists control our various sources of TV and
film, seeing them represented by such a torpid bunch almost makes me feel embarrassed
on their behalf. It’s not even real nostalgia: there’s no depth of reflection
here, just a group of talentless frauds showing you Pac-man and saying ‘Hey,
remember that?!’
Aside from all the anguish the film has already caused to
real-life fans of retro arcade games, there’s also additional insult here for
people of colour (the only characters in the film captured by the aliens hail
from minority backgrounds, and Serena Williams is gifted the horrid celebrity
cameo as she is pimped out to Dinklage’s character), for women (the second most
active woman on-screen is presented to Ludlow as a literal trophy who cannot
speak) and basically for anyone with an ounce of taste. There was even pain
reserved for yours truly, when Gad takes a breather from squealing his every
line like a stuck pig to sing Tears For Fears’ classic hit ‘Everybody Wants to
Rule the World’, thereby ruining my favourite song forever.
I wouldn’t usually resort to such vulgar language, but if
Sandler and co. are allowed to sneak slimy ‘humour’ into a supposedly
family-friendly film, frankly anything goes: big, sweaty summer blockbuster
season blew it’s load early this year, and Pixels
is nothing more than the mess left behind, wiped up lazily with cinema tickets
then left to fester in screens nationwide.
